Q&A for Parents&Family.indd

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杷栋萧
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1 Questions & Answers for Parents and Family Members of Gay and Lesbian Youth

3 Questions and Answers For Parents and Family Members of Gay and Lesbian Youth

5 All children and teenagers need to feel good about themselves. All people are valuable and deserve to be treated with respect. But it can be difficult for gay and lesbian youth to feel good about themselves when many people around them treat them badly or believe that lesbians and gays have something wrong with them. Many gay and lesbian youth feel the need to hide who they really are because of fear their family will not be accepting. This booklet is dedicated to parents and family members who are dealing with their child s coming out process, or preparing for the process. What should I do if I think my child is attracted to people of the same sex? It probably takes a lot of courage for you to ask yourself this question. Before you go about looking for answers, it is important to ask yourself why it is you want to know? What would it mean to you if your child was lesbian or gay? Why do you feel a need to do something about it at this point? What is your motivation? Ask yourself: are you comfortable with talking to your child about sexuality? If you feel interested and comfortable in approaching your child about this, do you think he or she is ready to talk to you about it too? And what would you do if your child identified as lesbian or gay? Keep in mind how you choose to act or react to your child may have certain meanings for them. For example, your child may find it easier to approach you if you seem to be open to new ideas. Alternately, if your child senses that he or she will be punished for being honest, they may choose to talk to someone else instead. My child was trying to tell me about her/his sexual orientation, but I just don t know how to handle the conversation. What should I do? If your child was trying to disclose their sexual orientation to you, it probably means that you are important to them. It also means that they are looking for your support in this situation, so how you react will probably have a strong impact on your child.

6 The most important thing you can do is to respect your child s decision to tell you. So, let him or her do most of the talking. You will likely have many questions for both your child and for yourself. Try to gain a better understanding of their point of view. Remember, your child is still the same person. Your child hasn t changed, it s only what you know about them that has changed. Coming to terms with your child s sexual orientation can be a lengthy process with many opposing emotions and thoughts. You can t be expected to understand everything right away! Did I do something wrong? Many parents ask this question when they first find out that their child is attracted to people of the same sex. There are really two parts to this question. First, that being lesbian or gay is wrong or unnatural. Second, that a child s upbringing causes them to be lesbian or gay. The idea of love between people of the same sex feels unnatural or wrong to many people. Some people feel this way as a result of conscious moral judgments, or because of cultural and religious teachings. Some people feel this way because they have been given very little information about people who are attracted to others of the same sex. And often, the information we receive is negative or inaccurate. Fortunately, feelings of discomfort change when understanding and knowledge increases. You are not alone if you are feeling guilty or responsible somehow for your child s sexual orientation. Many parents focus on finding the cause of their child s sexuality because they see it as a problem. For many parents, searching for a definite cause of sexuality is very difficult and more puzzling since there is no recognized causes of homosexuality or heterosexuality. One way that some parents deal with these feelings is to focus on exploring why and how they see their child s sexuality as a problem. They often discover that cultural values, societal discrimination against lesbian and gay people, negative portrayal in the media, religious beliefs, and unfamiliarity with the subject play a bigger role in their discomfort than they expected.

7 What will other people think? How do I face family and friends? First, ask yourself why you are so fearful or concerned. Your child may be able to give you some support in this area, as she or he has probably experienced emotions similar to the ones you are now going through. The anticipation about telling others about your child s sexual orientation can be overwhelming. Are you concerned about what others feel or think? For many parents, it is very difficult and takes a lot of courage to tell others, even if they themselves are accepting of their child s sexual orientation. Chances are, some people s reactions will be positive, and some negative. When you consider telling others, it is important to know that you have some control about who to tell, how to tell, and when to tell. You can also talk to your child about their comfort levels and coming out strategies too. After all, they have to contemplate these issues almost constantly. Some parents find it helpful to share their story with, and hear stories of other parents with lesbian or gay children. I want grandchildren. Will my lesbian or gay child have children? Many people in same-sex relationships have children. That being said, having children is becoming less of an obligation and more of a choice for people nowadays, regardless of their sexual orientation. If your child chooses not to have children of her/his own, you may feel angry or disappointed that the family name or heritage will not be carried on. The issue is just as complicated for many lesbian or gay people, who fear letting their parents and family down. Your child s choice to remain childless impacts you, though they probably do not make that decision to deliberately hurt you. Will my child get AIDS because they are lesbian or gay? No. AIDS is caused by the virus called HIV, and HIV infects women and men or all sexual orientations and backgrounds. HIV is passed on from an infected person to someone else through body fluids. Whether someone gets infected or not depends only on what they do, and not what their sexual orientation is.

8 Are lesbian or gay people more promiscuous than heterosexual people? The general perspective of sexual relations varies a lot from culture to culture. You may have grown up in a time and place where people usually married the first or second person they were in a relationship with. In this time in North America, it can be quite different. Many immigrant and non-immigrant parents in North America today are coping with similar anxieties about the cultural and value differences they see in their children and in the broader society. However, sexual activities are only part of lesbian and gay people s lives. We should always look at the various aspects of a person s life such as personality, family relationships, professional or academic accomplishments, and romantic relationships. It is not true that lesbian or gay people are more promiscuous, on the whole, than heterosexual people. Do lesbian or gay people have meaningful relationships? Can they really be in love? Yes. You may be concerned that your child will be alone or lonely. This may be because the general public may have seen very few role models or same-sex couples. In fact, many people have meaningful and fulfilling relationships with same-sex partners. It is widely recognized that loving relationships have little to do with the gender of the partners. A parent s love and support is very important in maintaining any relationship. This support must also come from the community and society. If a couple cannot feel safe to express their affection for each other, or if they must constantly be in hiding, it is more difficult for them to maintain a strong relationship. Therefore, including your lesbian or gay child and partner in family functions may be important validation for them. In Canada, your lesbian or gay child can be legally married with someone of the same gender.

9 Will my child or my family be discriminated against? The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, and the British Columbia Human Rights Act prohibits discrimination based on sexual orientation. This means that it is a violation of those rights to deny service, employment, benefits, and other treatment to someone because they are lesbian or gay. Of course, many forms of discrimination, including racism, are still present in Canada despite laws prohibiting them. Lesbian and gay people and their families often experience hatred or fear of them. This hatred and fear is together referred to as homophobia. Homophobia exists in many forms and can range from jokes that demean lesbian and gay people, to denying visitation rights in hospitals, to more serious physical harassment. Some parents, and lesbian and gay people, feel helpless in combating discrimination. However, it may be empowering to realize that incidents of homophobia can be challenge. Many parents show their support to their lesbian children by challenging homophobia when and where it happens. Will my child be safe at school? The government of British Columbia is committed to delivering a high quality education to BC students within an inclusive environment that accommodates and respects the beliefs of all children, families and care givers. The Ministry of Education believes that schools must be safe for and inclusive of all students. British Columbia schools are striving to develop positive, welcoming school cultures and are committed to fostering optimal environments for learning. Administrators, teachers and other school staff, students and families are working together to build community and to better understand issues such as bullying, intimidation and harassment, racism, sexism and homophobia. They are also working together to learn new skills to respond consistently to these issues in ways that repair harm, strengthen relationships and restore a sense of belonging for all who are involved. British Columbia s provincially prescribed curricula provide many opportunities for students to develop the competencies that young people need to succeed as individuals and as members of our society including the knowledge, skills

10 and attitudes required to be socially responsible citizens who act in caring and principled ways. This includes the ability to think critically and solve problems, using information to develop opinions and make sound judgements and decisions. Students learn to honour and respect diversity among people and the rights of others to hold different ideas and beliefs. They learn to respect themselves and others and are expected to treat their teachers, their fellow students and others with consideration and courtesy. Community Resources The (LGBT) Centre, 1170 Bute Davie Information and referral, education, peer groups, social support, recovery meetings, free counseling, sexually transmitted disease clinic Gab Youth Services Youth Drop-ins, one-to-one support, PrideSpeaks for schools: Out on Shelves Library: Prideline, 7-10 p.m. nightly: Bute Street STD Clinic: Generations Project: Victim Services (Monday afternoon): PFLAG: Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (Vancouver) , Ext or Drop-in support for families struggling to come to terms with LGBT issues Family Services of Greater Vancouver LGBT Options ; 1616 West 7 th Avenue. Short-term counseling for LGBT people and their family members to address coming-out, relationship/family issues. Transgender Health Program Information and referral, education, peer support and advocacy, training Asian Society for the Intervention of AIDS ASIA

20 Vancouver School Board May 2007 second edition

Q&A for Parents&Family.indd

Q&A for Parents&Family.indd Questions & Answers for Parents and Family Members of Gay and Lesbian Youth Questions and Answers For Parents and Family Members of Gay and Lesbian Youth All children and teenagers need to feel good