Evolution of a Translation

Jane H. Buckingham 2014

百年樹人詩壇 THE CHALLENGE EVOLUTION OF A TRANSLATION or 挑戰寫詩變譯詩 A Ten-Second Play Compiled by Jane H. Buckingham Jane H. Buckingham 2014

Preface The characters are real and the event recorded here is factual. The compiler has been given explicit consent by each of the participants to depict, using suitable pseudonyms, their creations and their activities. The contents or part or parts of the contents of this document may not be copied, disseminated, or distributed without due credit to the author or authors involved. Jane H Buckingham Compiler October 2013 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

CHARACTERS A group of middle-aged friends, former classmates, that includes FOWL (young kibitzing illiterate), 易金, 沈大夫, 三姑娘, 八股佬, 朱史, 劍仙花, and 真笨. Jane H. Buckingham 2014

SETTING The action takes place in ether. TIME The present. SYNOPSIS A group of former classmates get together discussing poetry and one of them offers up the classic poem Trees (1914) by Joyce Kilmer (1886-1918) as inspiration and a challenge to the rest to come up with poems about one of nature's gift to mankind. One classmate immediately picks up the gauntlet and presents a Chinese translation. The subsequent burst of fervent energy results in a dazzling display of creative talents and constructive critiques. Jane H. Buckingham 2014

1 As the curtain rises, the old friends are hovering together having a discussion. FOWL Knowing how much time you all have to be creative and scholarly, I thought the following poem from Joyce Kilmer would inspire you all in one way or another. After all, in my humble opinion, what a way to pay tribute to his insightful poem while celebrating our school s upcoming centennial by coming up with one or more of your poems about one of nature's remarkable-but-oftentaken-for-granted gifts to mankind. Trees by Joyce Kilmer I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree. A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the earth's sweet flowing breast; A tree that looks at God all day, And lifts her leafy arms to pray; A tree that may in Summer wear A nest of robins in her hair; Upon whose bosom snow has lain; Who intimately lives with rain. Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree. 易金 Trees is a very love poem, we learned it as a lovely song, I still remember the tune. I wouldn t dare to write anything comparable. I couldn t even if I try. But, I do want to do a translation. I haven t looked up translated version on the web so as not to be biased. Here s my version: 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心 株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深 仰望高天枝強葉茂祈禱告 春分夏至知更鳥巢伴棲留 秋雨冬霜滋潤盤根生長養 神造之樹超越愚人寫詩書 Bravo! We ve only just begun... FOWL Jane H. Buckingham 2014

2 易金夾硬質你睇 revision, 請賜高見, 謝謝 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更鳥巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長神手造樹超越愚人寫詩書 易金修改如下, 可乎? 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更鳥巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長神手造樹愚人僅及寫詩書 FOWL Now that one of you has finished the leftovers, let s begin with some brand new thoughts about trees that would make Mr. T and others roll over proud. 沈大夫易 之詩, 啟發吾思, 時技癢, 不 量, 執 尾, 胆獻上, 愚 之 詩 : 根深樹壯上達雲霄讚嘆若詩造化奇妙擁抱大地營養照料葉舉如禱主恩廣照炎夏遮蔭更鳥報曉甘露洗滌雨不可少余性愚笨寫詩見笑神造奇工樹美而俏 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

3 FOWL WOW! This is certainly no sham, 大夫!! Bravo!!! And in the rising sun... 易金 Fowl 暗令收工, 不過埋唔到尾, 籮籮攣 亂想胡思, 攪出雙結尾, 點算好? 唯神造樹愚人妄自寫詩書造樹唯神妄寫詩句我愚生 Which one is better? At least reads better with the whole translation? Need comments from you 沈大夫 as a deeply religious person and 三姑娘 as a fan of poetry (not necessary a fan of 易金 ). 沈大夫 I would prefer 造樹唯神愚人妄自寫詩書. When I try to translate it, it comes to Who can make a tree? It s only God! How foolish I am to try to write poem! 三姑娘 兩句中我選 造樹唯神愚人妄自寫詩書. 余是愚人但不善寫詩書, 只喜歡讀詩 Fowl 提及聖記百年, 又分享了 樹 詩, 不如就用 百年樹人 做您們詩或詞的題 目, 如何? 易金 多謝各位高見 沈大夫, 三姑娘, 易金本句是 唯神造樹愚人妄自寫詩書 such that 樹 rhymes with 書 Seems everyone gravitates to 造樹唯神 which is the start phrase of my second option to rhyme with 妄寫詩句我愚生 無人鍾意 唯神造樹? 易金最後版本 : 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

4 春分夏至知更鳥巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯有神大能造樹 承各位高見, 思之再三, 憶及曾子老師所教 起承轉合, 結句有 呢個故事教訓我哋 之用 原作者起句自嘲, 引出結句讚神, 所以易金修改如上 易金最後版本, 當然有最後更正 : 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更鳥巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨神能造棵樹 八股佬我也提 點意 爲使整 詩押韻, 我建議如下改動 最後 句亦改動爲 4 字 + 3 字 請考慮 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更鳥巢藏綠蔭秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨我神能造林 易金謝謝八股佬指點 全詩抻韻極顯功架, 有料也 易 對詩韻 知半解, 雖努 押之, 常力有不逮, 所以寫四七言詩打茅波, 有時上下韻, 如 心 & 深, 全詩押韻係理想, 搞唔掂就 divide and conquer, 短句前後韻, 如 霜 &, 但求 順 口開河也 藏綠蔭 非常好,especially for 全詩押韻 I was hung Jane H. Buckingham 2014

5 up on the word 棲,found a term 杈子 = 岔出的樹枝, 棲杈子 Last line I had thought of 4 + 3 but couldn t do it. I have had major debate on 樹 & 林 & 森 & 木 and convinced myself that 樹 is the only right word here, hence I handcuffed myself. Now, 花可叫花兒, 例花兒朶朶開, 樹可叫樹兒? 再更正版如下 : 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更結巢棲杈子秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨神能造樹兒 真笨 易金, I m a total illiterate, so take this with a truckload of salt. I think 杈子 and 樹 兒 are fine, except that 子 is a rising sound and 兒 is a low sound. Where as 蔭 as a high sound going with 林 a low sound makes it feel more complete when reading. Not sure I m making any sense. Just rambling. 易金真笨, 我知你講乜嘢, 八股佬全詩對韻, 心深蔭林 很暢順, 我意見係個 林 字, 蓋 林 共 樹 相去甚遠, 原詩 Trees 係指廣義的樹, 林是 forest 群近在 起的樹 a poem lovely as a forest? 我押韻唔掂打茅波, 雖不滿意杈子, 但 子 押前句之 至, 子其實係上聲, 仄聲也 兒 是陽平, 即低音平, ( 依是陰平 ), 我用 兒 押前句 詩 字 曾想用 知更結巢肓雛兒, 不過用咗個 兒 字就埋唔到尾 又想過 知更結巢棲樹枝, 但又重複樹與枝字, 點算呢? 或者改返轉頭咁樣好讀啲 : 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更結巢伴棲留 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

6 秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨神能造樹兒 頭兩行 心 押 深, 中閒兩行不用韻, 尾兩行各自前後句押韻, 霜 押, 詩 押 兒 真笨 This is way over my head. Not the poem lovely as a forest part, that sounds more like a MAD version. Just one question: you have 頭兩行 心 押 深, doesn t that mean you need the bottom two line 押韻 instead of 前後句押韻? 易金 Well, that's exactly what my limited ink couldn t do. My style of writing is to FREE myself from the need the bottom two lines 押韻 and take the selfaccepted way to do 尾兩行各自前後句押韻. Sorry this is my way out. 真笨 I have a request/proposal to all you poets. I think your brilliance should be shared not just among us but also with the world. I am wondering if I have your permission to make a loose collection of your creations and upload it to the web. Very understandable if you want to keep this among ourselves, but please do consider my suggestion. 八股佬 Thanks for your proposal, but I respectfully decline the invitation. My poems are really written just for fun and not for sharing with the world. 易金得悉建議, 惶恐心驚 易金寫嘢, 係愚己愚人, 有時娛己娛人, 愚娛乜嘢人呢? 易金詩節錄 : 天地玄黃宇宙洪荒我識得你十分叨光良緣奇遇凡數十載你踫啱我係唔好彩 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

7 易金擾人為快樂之本, 唯只限唔好彩識著佢如閣下者 如今話將易金啲衰嘢公諸 於世, 好似罰企出班房, 易金雖厚顏, 都覺得手騰腳震 閣下關照, 易金只好敬 謝婉卻, 唔好意思 真笨 Now it might be 唔好彩你踫啱我, but very 好彩好彩我識得你. Anyway, I m not promising you guys a rose garden, merely want to show the world your excellence, and I m being really sincere here. I don t think the world has ever seen such wonderful Chinese translations of the famous poem and I truly believe that it should. You never know, they may serve as inspiration to some budding poet/environmentalist/writer/... Aside from being such a waste, as the Russians say, to write for the desk drawer, you guys are being selfish not to consider the big picture. Now there, I m trying to shame you guys into submission. 朱史 Fowl, 今天詩壇真是 聞雞起舞, 在你投出議題下, 勇敢的易金立刻回應, 邀 得三姑娘參予, 沈大夫的和唱, 再加上八股佬点石成金的修改, 引得真笨滿腔熱 誠, 建議把絕作公諸於世 ; 我分享到莫 樂趣, 感受到熱鬧氣氛, 和同學間的 份情誼 ; 我只得讚 句 : Fowl, 你係得嘅! 那天我看着花園中的人參果樹在發獃 ; 這棵樹估計超過六十年, 還很茂盛, 要留 予後人欣賞 我望着它, 心中在想, 我與它在世年日相若, 但對世間的貢獻, 又 是否相若呢? 心有感受, 遂回應閣下挑戰, 寫了以下詩句 : I think that I would like to see A man who grows up like a tree. A tree whose leafy crown gives shade To those who seek a resting place. A tree that stretches his arms all day And let the children climb and play. A tree that listens to your prayer When you feel lonely in despair. And on those of your happy days He silently listens when you sing. Oh God who makes both tree and man, And wishes man can be like a tree. Jane H. Buckingham 2014

8 FOWL Bravo, this is certainly no pig droppings! Fowl, it should be 朱史 朱史 沈大夫 I whole-heartedly share the views of 八股佬 and 易金. As for my poems, 子曰 : 詞非我所熟也詩亦非我所獨也二者皆寫不得捨帝讓賢者也生我所欲也樂亦我所欲也二者皆想得兼以樂娛餘生者也 真笨 Ah, come on, people! Why the modesty! Let me spread your words and let the world share your happiness! We re all middle age, 眨眼雲煙, 浮生如夢, 拍拍手就 過 ; leave something for the kids to savour. 易金真笨䁱以大義, 易金心大心細 朱史話佢 敢, 可能係暗射唔知醜啫 Fowl 挑戰寫詩, 易金自知唔掂, 搞出譯詩貪過㽼, 結果搞到無得瞓 最最最後版本如下, 可否登大雅之堂, 先講法律觀點 三位學, 全部 領, 八股佬全詩押韻, 心深蔭林 非常流, 可惜易 死 便頸, 覺得樹林非樹, 對 林 字只得割愛, 故此未侵 三位文化產業版權 唯當年 難友唔講得笑, 易 係從佢偷咗個字, 所以要嚴重聲明 : 的而且確係佢作 弄, 完全唔關易金事 不過佢先前撃掌未死, 表態棄權話之你, 所以當佢無到, 剩番易金自己話事 話事之先, 要 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

9 暴其短解釋下, 易 墨 不, 未能全詩押韻, 放, 頭兩 押韻, 中間兩行不用韻, 尾兩行各自前後句押韻, 但求順口而矣耳 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更結巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨神能造樹兒 真笨, 如果你認為咁都得, 易金本我負天下人之志, 任由發表 朱史易 兄, 你這 動, 正是謙謙君 所為, 我們聖記學, 般 謙 不謙 不欲公開, 只是免招批評 ; 不能要受批評, 豈能 認謙虛呢? 猶記校 在早會講天國五福, 第 句是 虛心的人有福了! 因為天國是他們的 能自認自己心靈貧窮, 那任何批評皆變成有增值的鼓勵, 這才是真正的虛心, 將來詩壇的天國, 將會是你的 真笨, 妳得願以償, 可以放心登也 ; 至於愚兄, 我是真的屬豬的, 任何作品, 若得欣賞, 亦可照登 ; 在此也鼓勵其他詩人, 特別是隱者大師, 也放下忐忑心懷, 坦然把心血作品公諸同好 沈大夫 Such a lot for me to chew and digest. The other day I listened to the song My Way and it gave me some insights. Here s a part of it: And now, the end is here And so I face the final curtain My friend, I'll say it clear I'll state my case, of which I'm certain I've lived a life that's full I traveled each and ev'ry highway And more, much more than this, I did it my way. For most of us, the end is an unknown distance from here and sooner or later we have to face the final curtain. Just as 真笨 said, We re all middle age, 眨眼雲煙, 浮生如夢, 拍拍 就過, leave something for the kids to savour. I do think you Jane H. Buckingham 2014

10 have a point there. But, I have to stress again that what we write aren t the 近體詩 like that of 八股佬. We only call them 打油詩, meaning that we don t stick to the format, the 平仄. We just do it our way. I write just as a pastime and really 娛己娛 人, or 愚己愚人 or whatever other combinations of these. If you think that our socalled poems won t pollute the web, I am most happy to accept your offer. 真笨 (Turns to 八股佬.) Just a request. I know you ve declined to have your poetry included, but if I can come up with a suitable pseudonym, just this once may I include yours? Without it, there really is a discontinuity. That is fine. Thanks. 八股佬 易金惗嚟惗去, 度左度右, 始終覺得 春分夏至 秋雨冬霜 係易金夜郎自大, 強詞堆砌 橫掂押韻未成, 不如放開懷抱, 寫近原意 再再再更正版如下 早先聲明 : 抱雪 詞, 係易 順 牽 文友妙詩, 後若有官非, 易 必拖埋 家落水 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告炎夏庇蔭知更結巢伴棲留寒冬抱雪雨露常沾潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨神能造樹兒 劍仙花 I am the Johnny-come-lately, but this is a translation that comes to my mind. 吾生難以見有詩如樹美 大地哺育生如長在母懷 枝葉仰天拜感謝常佑庇 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

11 炎炎暑夏日冠以鳥巢兒寒冬抱冰雪終年沾露雨愚昧人若我弄墨作詩詞唯神有睿智創造世間樹 FOWL You all have about 15 months to complete the challenge. To be continued... Jane H. Buckingham 2014