Evolution of a Translation

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1 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

2 百年樹人詩壇 THE CHALLENGE EVOLUTION OF A TRANSLATION or 挑戰寫詩變譯詩 A Ten-Second Play Compiled by Jane H. Buckingham Jane H. Buckingham 2014

3 Preface The characters are real and the event recorded here is factual. The compiler has been given explicit consent by each of the participants to depict, using suitable pseudonyms, their creations and their activities. The contents or part or parts of the contents of this document may not be copied, disseminated, or distributed without due credit to the author or authors involved. Jane H Buckingham Compiler October 2013 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

4 CHARACTERS A group of middle-aged friends, former classmates, that includes FOWL (young kibitzing illiterate), 易金, 沈大夫, 三姑娘, 八股佬, 朱史, 劍仙花, and 真笨. Jane H. Buckingham 2014

5 SETTING The action takes place in ether. TIME The present. SYNOPSIS A group of former classmates get together discussing poetry and one of them offers up the classic poem Trees (1914) by Joyce Kilmer ( ) as inspiration and a challenge to the rest to come up with poems about one of nature's gift to mankind. One classmate immediately picks up the gauntlet and presents a Chinese translation. The subsequent burst of fervent energy results in a dazzling display of creative talents and constructive critiques. Jane H. Buckingham 2014

7 1 As the curtain rises, the old friends are hovering together having a discussion. FOWL Knowing how much time you all have to be creative and scholarly, I thought the following poem from Joyce Kilmer would inspire you all in one way or another. After all, in my humble opinion, what a way to pay tribute to his insightful poem while celebrating our school s upcoming centennial by coming up with one or more of your poems about one of nature's remarkable-but-oftentaken-for-granted gifts to mankind. Trees by Joyce Kilmer I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree. A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the earth's sweet flowing breast; A tree that looks at God all day, And lifts her leafy arms to pray; A tree that may in Summer wear A nest of robins in her hair; Upon whose bosom snow has lain; Who intimately lives with rain. Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree. 易金 Trees is a very love poem, we learned it as a lovely song, I still remember the tune. I wouldn t dare to write anything comparable. I couldn t even if I try. But, I do want to do a translation. I haven t looked up translated version on the web so as not to be biased. Here s my version: 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂祈禱告春分夏至知更鳥巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滋潤盤根生長養神造之樹超越愚人寫詩書 Bravo! We ve only just begun... FOWL Jane H. Buckingham 2014

8 2 易金夾硬質你睇 revision, 請賜高見, 謝謝從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更鳥巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長神手造樹超越愚人寫詩書易金修改如下, 可乎? 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更鳥巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長神手造樹愚人僅及寫詩書 FOWL Now that one of you has finished the leftovers, let s begin with some brand new thoughts about trees that would make Mr. T and others roll over proud. 沈大夫易之詩, 啟發吾思, 時技癢, 不量, 執尾, 胆獻上, 愚之詩 : 根深樹壯上達雲霄讚嘆若詩造化奇妙擁抱大地營養照料葉舉如禱主恩廣照炎夏遮蔭更鳥報曉甘露洗滌雨不可少余性愚笨寫詩見笑神造奇工樹美而俏 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

9 3 FOWL WOW! This is certainly no sham, 大夫!! Bravo!!! And in the rising sun... 易金 Fowl 暗令收工, 不過埋唔到尾, 籮籮攣亂想胡思, 攪出雙結尾, 點算好? 唯神造樹愚人妄自寫詩書造樹唯神妄寫詩句我愚生 Which one is better? At least reads better with the whole translation? Need comments from you 沈大夫 as a deeply religious person and 三姑娘 as a fan of poetry (not necessary a fan of 易金 ). 沈大夫 I would prefer 造樹唯神愚人妄自寫詩書. When I try to translate it, it comes to Who can make a tree? It s only God! How foolish I am to try to write poem! 三姑娘兩句中我選造樹唯神愚人妄自寫詩書. 余是愚人但不善寫詩書, 只喜歡讀詩 Fowl 提及聖記百年, 又分享了樹詩, 不如就用百年樹人做您們詩或詞的題目, 如何? 易金多謝各位高見沈大夫, 三姑娘, 易金本句是唯神造樹愚人妄自寫詩書 such that 樹 rhymes with 書 Seems everyone gravitates to 造樹唯神 which is the start phrase of my second option to rhyme with 妄寫詩句我愚生無人鍾意唯神造樹? 易金最後版本 : 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

10 4 春分夏至知更鳥巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯有神大能造樹承各位高見, 思之再三, 憶及曾子老師所教起承轉合, 結句有呢個故事教訓我哋之用原作者起句自嘲, 引出結句讚神, 所以易金修改如上易金最後版本, 當然有最後更正 : 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更鳥巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨神能造棵樹八股佬我也提點意爲使整詩押韻, 我建議如下改動最後句亦改動爲 4 字 + 3 字請考慮從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更鳥巢藏綠蔭秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨我神能造林易金謝謝八股佬指點全詩抻韻極顯功架, 有料也易對詩韻知半解, 雖努押之, 常力有不逮, 所以寫四七言詩打茅波, 有時上下韻, 如心 & 深, 全詩押韻係理想, 搞唔掂就 divide and conquer, 短句前後韻, 如霜 &, 但求順口開河也藏綠蔭非常好,especially for 全詩押韻 I was hung Jane H. Buckingham 2014

11 5 up on the word 棲,found a term 杈子 = 岔出的樹枝, 棲杈子 Last line I had thought of but couldn t do it. I have had major debate on 樹 & 林 & 森 & 木 and convinced myself that 樹 is the only right word here, hence I handcuffed myself. Now, 花可叫花兒, 例花兒朶朶開, 樹可叫樹兒? 再更正版如下 : 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更結巢棲杈子秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨神能造樹兒真笨易金, I m a total illiterate, so take this with a truckload of salt. I think 杈子 and 樹兒 are fine, except that 子 is a rising sound and 兒 is a low sound. Where as 蔭 as a high sound going with 林 a low sound makes it feel more complete when reading. Not sure I m making any sense. Just rambling. 易金真笨, 我知你講乜嘢, 八股佬全詩對韻, 心深蔭林很暢順, 我意見係個林字, 蓋林共樹相去甚遠, 原詩 Trees 係指廣義的樹, 林是 forest 群近在起的樹 a poem lovely as a forest? 我押韻唔掂打茅波, 雖不滿意杈子, 但子押前句之至, 子其實係上聲, 仄聲也兒是陽平, 即低音平, ( 依是陰平 ), 我用兒押前句詩字曾想用知更結巢肓雛兒, 不過用咗個兒字就埋唔到尾又想過知更結巢棲樹枝, 但又重複樹與枝字, 點算呢? 或者改返轉頭咁樣好讀啲 : 從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更結巢伴棲留 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

12 6 秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨神能造樹兒頭兩行心押深, 中閒兩行不用韻, 尾兩行各自前後句押韻, 霜押, 詩押兒真笨 This is way over my head. Not the poem lovely as a forest part, that sounds more like a MAD version. Just one question: you have 頭兩行心押深, doesn t that mean you need the bottom two line 押韻 instead of 前後句押韻? 易金 Well, that's exactly what my limited ink couldn t do. My style of writing is to FREE myself from the need the bottom two lines 押韻 and take the selfaccepted way to do 尾兩行各自前後句押韻. Sorry this is my way out. 真笨 I have a request/proposal to all you poets. I think your brilliance should be shared not just among us but also with the world. I am wondering if I have your permission to make a loose collection of your creations and upload it to the web. Very understandable if you want to keep this among ourselves, but please do consider my suggestion. 八股佬 Thanks for your proposal, but I respectfully decline the invitation. My poems are really written just for fun and not for sharing with the world. 易金得悉建議, 惶恐心驚易金寫嘢, 係愚己愚人, 有時娛己娛人, 愚娛乜嘢人呢? 易金詩節錄 : 天地玄黃宇宙洪荒我識得你十分叨光良緣奇遇凡數十載你踫啱我係唔好彩 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

13 7 易金擾人為快樂之本, 唯只限唔好彩識著佢如閣下者如今話將易金啲衰嘢公諸於世, 好似罰企出班房, 易金雖厚顏, 都覺得手騰腳震閣下關照, 易金只好敬謝婉卻, 唔好意思真笨 Now it might be 唔好彩你踫啱我, but very 好彩好彩我識得你. Anyway, I m not promising you guys a rose garden, merely want to show the world your excellence, and I m being really sincere here. I don t think the world has ever seen such wonderful Chinese translations of the famous poem and I truly believe that it should. You never know, they may serve as inspiration to some budding poet/environmentalist/writer/... Aside from being such a waste, as the Russians say, to write for the desk drawer, you guys are being selfish not to consider the big picture. Now there, I m trying to shame you guys into submission. 朱史 Fowl, 今天詩壇真是聞雞起舞, 在你投出議題下, 勇敢的易金立刻回應, 邀得三姑娘參予, 沈大夫的和唱, 再加上八股佬点石成金的修改, 引得真笨滿腔熱誠, 建議把絕作公諸於世 ; 我分享到莫樂趣, 感受到熱鬧氣氛, 和同學間的份情誼 ; 我只得讚句 : Fowl, 你係得嘅! 那天我看着花園中的人參果樹在發獃 ; 這棵樹估計超過六十年, 還很茂盛, 要留予後人欣賞我望着它, 心中在想, 我與它在世年日相若, 但對世間的貢獻, 又是否相若呢? 心有感受, 遂回應閣下挑戰, 寫了以下詩句 : I think that I would like to see A man who grows up like a tree. A tree whose leafy crown gives shade To those who seek a resting place. A tree that stretches his arms all day And let the children climb and play. A tree that listens to your prayer When you feel lonely in despair. And on those of your happy days He silently listens when you sing. Oh God who makes both tree and man, And wishes man can be like a tree. Jane H. Buckingham 2014

14 8 FOWL Bravo, this is certainly no pig droppings! Fowl, it should be 朱史朱史沈大夫 I whole-heartedly share the views of 八股佬 and 易金. As for my poems, 子曰 : 詞非我所熟也詩亦非我所獨也二者皆寫不得捨帝讓賢者也生我所欲也樂亦我所欲也二者皆想得兼以樂娛餘生者也真笨 Ah, come on, people! Why the modesty! Let me spread your words and let the world share your happiness! We re all middle age, 眨眼雲煙, 浮生如夢, 拍拍手就過 ; leave something for the kids to savour. 易金真笨䁱以大義, 易金心大心細朱史話佢敢, 可能係暗射唔知醜啫 Fowl 挑戰寫詩, 易金自知唔掂, 搞出譯詩貪過㽼, 結果搞到無得瞓最最最後版本如下, 可否登大雅之堂, 先講法律觀點三位學, 全部領, 八股佬全詩押韻, 心深蔭林非常流, 可惜易死便頸, 覺得樹林非樹, 對林字只得割愛, 故此未侵三位文化產業版權唯當年難友唔講得笑, 易係從佢偷咗個字, 所以要嚴重聲明 : 的而且確係佢作弄, 完全唔關易金事不過佢先前撃掌未死, 表態棄權話之你, 所以當佢無到, 剩番易金自己話事話事之先, 要 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

15 9 暴其短解釋下, 易墨不, 未能全詩押韻, 放, 頭兩押韻, 中間兩行不用韻, 尾兩行各自前後句押韻, 但求順口而矣耳從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告春分夏至知更結巢伴棲留秋雨冬霜滿懷飄雪潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨神能造樹兒真笨, 如果你認為咁都得, 易金本我負天下人之志, 任由發表朱史易兄, 你這動, 正是謙謙君所為, 我們聖記學, 般謙不謙不欲公開, 只是免招批評 ; 不能要受批評, 豈能認謙虛呢? 猶記校在早會講天國五福, 第句是虛心的人有福了! 因為天國是他們的能自認自己心靈貧窮, 那任何批評皆變成有增值的鼓勵, 這才是真正的虛心, 將來詩壇的天國, 將會是你的真笨, 妳得願以償, 可以放心登也 ; 至於愚兄, 我是真的屬豬的, 任何作品, 若得欣賞, 亦可照登 ; 在此也鼓勵其他詩人, 特別是隱者大師, 也放下忐忑心懷, 坦然把心血作品公諸同好沈大夫 Such a lot for me to chew and digest. The other day I listened to the song My Way and it gave me some insights. Here s a part of it: And now, the end is here And so I face the final curtain My friend, I'll say it clear I'll state my case, of which I'm certain I've lived a life that's full I traveled each and ev'ry highway And more, much more than this, I did it my way. For most of us, the end is an unknown distance from here and sooner or later we have to face the final curtain. Just as 真笨 said, We re all middle age, 眨眼雲煙, 浮生如夢, 拍拍就過, leave something for the kids to savour. I do think you Jane H. Buckingham 2014

16 10 have a point there. But, I have to stress again that what we write aren t the 近體詩 like that of 八股佬. We only call them 打油詩, meaning that we don t stick to the format, the 平仄. We just do it our way. I write just as a pastime and really 娛己娛人, or 愚己愚人 or whatever other combinations of these. If you think that our socalled poems won t pollute the web, I am most happy to accept your offer. 真笨 (Turns to 八股佬.) Just a request. I know you ve declined to have your poetry included, but if I can come up with a suitable pseudonym, just this once may I include yours? Without it, there really is a discontinuity. That is fine. Thanks. 八股佬易金惗嚟惗去, 度左度右, 始終覺得春分夏至秋雨冬霜係易金夜郎自大, 強詞堆砌橫掂押韻未成, 不如放開懷抱, 寫近原意再再再更正版如下早先聲明 : 抱雪詞, 係易順牽文友妙詩, 後若有官非, 易必拖埋家落水從未得見妙詩如樹撼吾心株連大地豐碩泉源蒂固深仰望高天枝強葉茂虔禱告炎夏庇蔭知更結巢伴棲留寒冬抱雪雨露常沾潤生長愚人弄詩唯獨神能造樹兒劍仙花 I am the Johnny-come-lately, but this is a translation that comes to my mind. 吾生難以見有詩如樹美大地哺育生如長在母懷枝葉仰天拜感謝常佑庇 Jane H. Buckingham 2014

17 11 炎炎暑夏日冠以鳥巢兒寒冬抱冰雪終年沾露雨愚昧人若我弄墨作詩詞唯神有睿智創造世間樹 FOWL You all have about 15 months to complete the challenge. To be continued... Jane H. Buckingham 2014

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Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit English for Study in Australia 留学澳洲英语讲座 Lesson 3: Make yourself at home 第三课 : 宾至如归 L1 Male: 各位朋友好, 欢迎您收听留学澳洲英语讲座节目, 我是澳大利亚澳洲广播电台的节目主持人陈昊 L1 Female: 各位